Welcome to Olive Juice- basically where I’ll be sharing my adventures about being a new mom. Or the truth. I promise not to sugar coat anything- which will be hard because I like sugar a lot. Especially refined sugar. I named it Olive juice cuz Dane and me used to say “Olive juice” instead of I love you, because if you mouth the words it looks like you’re saying “I love you.” Also, because my daughter’s name is Olive:) Anyways, don’t go getting your panties in a knot because of the title. Let’s face it, you probably sucked at being a mom at some point in your life. Olive is only 7 weeks old and I already sucked as a mom a bunch of times, so for over the next 18 years…. imagine how many more times I’m gonna suck? A lot. So ready for story time and how I suck at being a mom? OK.
1). I dropped nail clippers on Olive’s forehead. No joke, she was barely a week old. I was trying to cut her fingernails because she kept scratching her face, and cutting a newborn’s fingernails alone is one of the most stressful things I’ve done. (I know, I’ve had a pretty stress free life. Sue me). Anyways, here I am, saggy boobed, greasy hair and no makeup Claudia, just finished breast feeding, so Olive is in milk drunk heaven, all dozy. Perfect time to give her a manicure. So I cut one finger nail with beads of sweat on my already greasy face, and maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or maybe it’s the nail clippers that were slippery, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m the biggest klutz around. But I dropped metal nail clippers on a week old baby’s forehead. And from like from neck level when she was boob level. So that’s high up for a baby:( She screamed and went into that cry where no noise comes out and she can’t breath, you know, the fun kind that makes you feel really good about yourself. “What happened? Is everything OK?” “Uhhh… ya. She’s just trying to get a turd out or something. Must be a big one!” Fail whale mom exhibit 1. Sorry Olive, mommy’s sorry she dropped something on your head. And also that I lied and said you were probably constipated or something. We both know that wasn’t true based on your poop explosion prior.
2). I was starving her. Have you heard of cluster feeding? Ya, me either. Basically it’s this really awesome thing that babies do when going through a growth spurt. They basically wanna be attached to your boob 24/7. They don’t let you go pee, have a shower, eat… you’re basically their milk slave. Lucky for me, Olive decided cluster feeding wasn’t just for growth spurts. She came out and was like “Ha! Wouldn’t it be like, so totally funny if I was cluster feeding baby ALL the time? Let’s do that and see how long it takes for this lady to go crazy.” Not very long, ps. Anyways, it was a Monday night. She was feeding, feeding, feeding, and I finally said enough. I put the boobs away, she was starting to get sleepy anyways. WRONG. She was just getting started. But lucky me, I was empty. Like there was nothing coming out. Nada, Niente, capish? Nuh-thing. I tried self expressing. I tried pumping. I tried massaging. I chugged water. I ate lactation cookies. Milk gods were not smiling on me this night. Oh, and by the way, I live in the sticks. Forty-five minutes from Stony Plain, the nearest city. So at like 11:30, after 30 mins of her screaming, and I’m not lying, SCREAMING, Dane was like “let’s go, we’re going to buy formula.” AH, formula. The dreaded word. So we put our screaming, starving child in her car seat, and we drive to Stony Plain and found a 24 hour supermarket. I run in and buy formula, and we drive back. It’s 1:30 in the morning and neither of us are really saying much. We’re exhausted. We get home and she chugs 5 oz without coming up for air. And then I ball my eyes out. Like literally. Haha, just kidding, I still have my eyes! But in all seriousness, that was hard for me. I felt like a failure, like I couldn’t provide my baby with what she needed. And the fact that she was so hungry made me sad. She’s a chunk butt. (“Oh wow, she’s a solid newborn!” Yes, my child is getting fat. but thanks for using the word solid instead of fat:) She slept for four hours that night, which was the longest she had up to that point. Fail whale mom exhibit 2. Sorry Olive, for starving you. Maybe you shouldn’t be such a fat lard like Tina. Just kidding, I love you. We can be fat lards like Tina together.
3). I almost had to have her leg amputated. Slight exaggeration? Maybe. But it still felt like that. I’m sure all of you have seen those baby slings. They’re all over instagram. Anyways, I found this one company and their instagram is quite pretty. All these hot moms with perfect looking children in their slings. There was one particular picture of a blogger mom who I also follow. She’s on the beach at sunset, with her adorbs two year old on her back, and cutie patootie six month old in a sling. She has the most perfect, whitest teeth, and she’s legit wearing cat eye chanel sunglasses (I made the chanel part up- I don’t know what brand they are, they look fancy though). Very glamorous. So I’m looking at this picture, and thinking ” I want to be a glamorous mom. I want to have cat eye shaped chanel sunglasses, and have the whitest most perfect teeth.” But because I have a fat shaped face, I can’t wear cat eye sunglasses. And because I can’t afford veneers, I don’t have the whitest most perfect teeth. But I can have a sling! So that’s close enough. Dane’s aunt buys me one as a gift and I’m pumped. It’s so pretty, and I feel like a glamorous, fat shaped face mom with far from perfect teeth. So I finally decide to use it last week. It’s kinda tricky, but I shove her in there. I look in the mirror. Definitely won’t be featured on their instagram anytime soon, but whatever. She’s in there for about an hour and half, and when I take her out…. Oh man. She starts screaming bloody murder. A painful cry, I know she’s in pain and I can’t figure out why. Then I see her leg. It’s literally almost double in size and her tiny foot is so swollen and purple. I had been cutting off her circulation for an hour and a half. Yup, that’s me! Mom of the year. I start to panic because she won’t stop screaming and I can’t believe how swollen her leg and foot are. So I text Dane and tell him to come and he does. He stays a lot more calm than I do, but I can tell he’s kinda weirded out too. Eventually, the swelling goes down and she calms down. Her leg did not have to be amputated. I am not the hot blogger mom. I’m a mom, ya. I have a blog, ya. I’m hot, ya. But not the hot you wanna be. I’m hot tempered, and I’m always hot now because I sweat more, lol. So I suppose I am a hot blogger mom!
To the moms out there, to the new moms, to the almost moms… we got this. Sometime we BARELY “got” this, but at the end of the day- Olive didn’t get a bruise from nail clippers falling on her head, and she didn’t starve, and she didn’t have her leg amputated. So it’s a successful day when you can avoid those things. I will never be the mom that has it together. Nor will I pretend to be. I will never be the mom on the beach at sunset with chanel sunglasses and perfect teeth. I’m slowly realizing that I’m almost OK with that.
I’m Claudia, I have purple stretch marks on my jiggly stomach (I’m working on it!) I still have no clue what I’m doing, and I LITERALLY fell down a flight of stairs on Thursday morning, top stair alllllll the way to the floor. I’m Claudia, I couldn’t sit on the toilet normally all last week from ONE workout that I did with Dane, and bless his little heart, but if he ever does triple the amount of lunges than me next time we workout together, I WILL hit him. I’m Claudia, I put my cell phone in the fridge last week and couldn’t find it, and I ate way too much ice cream yesterday. I’m Claudia, I crave McDOnalds and drink way too much coke. I’m Claudia, and I’m Olive Rose’s mom, and she loves me with all her stomach, mostly because I’m the only one whose got the goods;) You survive. You do what you need to do to survive and get those two hours of sleep. I’m reminded almost daily by my ever so patient, darling, handsome husband (Dane, just a heads up- I might be going to Calgary next week to go to the mall, hence the adjectives), that I’m doing fine. And I think what he mostly means is “Claud, Olive is still alive- that’s awesome!” But I still have my moments where I’ve thrown her soother across the bed, I’ve yelled “Shut up” to her, and I’ve held her while she cried… all the while I cried too. That’s being a mom. I love Olive, but here’s a dirty little secret- I also loved being Claudia, without Olive.
So cheers to finding out what it means to being Claudia with the cutest little chunk butt named Olive Rose as my side kick. I look forward to the day where your eyes search for me, your mama in a crowd of people darling girl. I look forward to the day where you run into my arms and know that I would do anything to protect you, and have you know that. I look forward to the day sweet girl, that you are able to understand that my life has been turned upside down because of you, but you’ve made it all worth it. All the tears and sleepless nights, all the panic attacks, and all the confusion you’ve brought with you… I know they’ll be something I look back on and I will whisper in your ear, “you were worth it little Olive, you were worth it all.”
Little Miss Olive Rose came into this world on May 24th, 2016 at 2:55 am, two weeks early, to the day. 7 lbs 5 oz and 20” long. I think I’m supposed to say something like “She is the missing piece to our family” or “I didn’t know I could love like this,” “our lives are complete now.” That’s what I’m supposed to write underneath the perfect whited out intsagram picture with beautiful pink peonies “oh so casually” placed strategically in the picture, me wearing an anthropologie dress with my hair looking perfect and my winged liner so sharp it could cut you. That would be a lie though. Trust me, I want that as much as the next person. I envy all the instagram accounts that know how to edit their pictures to look bright and white, and sunny. I’m not making fun of them. I’m just telling you the truth. At least my truth.
My truth is that that doesn’t exist, at least not in my world. In my world, I don’t sleep until about 4:30 am, I haven’t done my hair in almost 3 weeks, and my showers last about 2 minutes, and I’ve only shaved my legs twice since she was born. My boobs hurt. A lot. I hurt a lot in places I didn’t think I could hurt. My truth is that I don’t actually know what I’m doing, I’m playing grown up. I’m just waiting on the day where it doesn’t feel like I’m just “playing” this role. I don’t know why she cries sometimes, and that’s OK. I didn’t know about meconium until it happened. Look it up, it’s awesome. I didn’t know about her choking the first few days and how fluid and guck comes out her nose and mouth and it’s just her cleaning out her lungs. I didn’t know how hard breastfeeding was until I had to do it. Or how sore you were gonna get. Or how exhausted I would feel. Or how overwhelming it is. Even people offering you help is overwhelming. Or how you ACTUALLY forget to eat. Trust me. This mamma does not forget to eat… until 3 weeks ago. It would be 4:00 in the afternoon and I would remember I hadn’t eaten. My truth is that it sucks. Let’s all take a minute to let all the gasping and horrified mothers judge me for a bit, and then I’ll finish. *****moment of silence for judging me***** OK. Ya. I said it. It friggin sucks. Who ACTUALLY wants to look like poo, literally HAVE poo on them, have a jiggly stomach, be so tired you want to cry, not know what the hell you’re doing, and have a million people plus their dog give you advice on what worked for them? I don’t. Babies are beautiful (kind of- another lie people say. They actually aren’t THAT beautiful. They have swollen little beady eyes and weird shaped heads). But they are cute and make cute little billy goat noises and when they fart they smile and it’s super cute. But if we’re speaking honestly here, it’s hard. It’s really hard.
But then one day, you’re watching them sleep, and their tiny little breaths are the only thing you can hear, and their tiny little chest is all you see, and its moving up and down, up and down, and you have a silent prayer and hope to God that he never stops that little beating heart. You hope like hell that this little human that counts and depends on you for everything…. that this little human grows up to know that while everyday is hard, and everyday has struggles and battles, you hope they know how you want the best for them. And you hope that it’s you. I want to be the best for you Miss Olive. So on that day, wether it’s the moment she is born, or 10 days old… on the day your motherly instinct kicks in and you go from just feeling “protective” of her to absolute love, treasure it. I would be lying to you if I said I felt an overwhelming sense of love for my daughter the second I saw her. I felt like I had to protect her, yes. I had to feed her. I had to keep her alive, I had to make sure she was always OK. But then it happened. I was watching her sleep and I cried. For the first time since she was born. I didn’t even cry at her delivery. I cried days later. She chose me. To love her. To protect her. To keep her warm. To keep her full. To love her.
She is half of me, and I really hope it’s the good half.
I actually don’t know why I’m writing this. I hate talking about it. I know even right now, only 19 words in, that it’s going to be a long post. Even if no one reads it, I will still write it, and I will still leave it it up. I want to remember the details, so that when the day comes that none of us remember the small details of the last almost three years, I can come back to this post and remember. I thought that I would never want to remember, that I could be 35 with my kids running around and have no recollection of this part of our lives. But I think it’s important that I remember, that I never forget what it meant to be truly vulnerable, what it meant to be truly afraid, and what it meant to truly know what love was.
December 19, 2013. I remember going to my parents house around 5:00, after I had left my wallet at a clients house and had gone to pick it up. I thought I’d just pop in and say hi, seeing as how they only lived a few streets away. I found my brother on the couch, with this look on his face. It was extreme pain. I asked if he was OK, and he just said “no” and tears started rolling down from his eyes. That was the first time I had seen him cry in what seemed since we were kids and I told him a ghost lived in our attic. He said he could’t handle the pain in his stomach anymore. I asked him if he needed me to take him to the hospital, and he just said he wanted to wait for mom and dad. My mom and dad came home from work, and so I left. I didn’t think it was THAT big of a deal. Oh, little did I know. I got a text around 11:00 that night that they had taken him to emergency because the pain had gotten even worse. I didn’t hear anything until the next day, late in the evening. He was in emerge all night, and didn’t really have any answers. He did however, get morphine for the pain. I was supposed to be going to a Christmas party that night, it was a Friday. I called my mom anxious to hear what was going on. When she answered I could tell something was wrong, and she kept saying “hold on” until I heard her leave the room. She said “Sorry, I just didn’t want Gabriel to hear. But we just talked to the doctor…” And the next four words she said have stayed with me and haunted me for the last two and a half years. She said “It doesn’t look good,” while she fought back tears. I never, and to this day, still have never asked her what she meant. I hung up, puked my brains out, and waited for Dane to get home to take me to the grey nuns hospital. When we got there, he was still in emergency on a bed- there still wasn’t a room available. He was eating butterscotch pudding, and he just looked up at me and said “hey.” I turned away from him and just cried. I cried because his “hey” was so normal, and the fact that only HE would be eating pudding in emerge. Dane came over and hugged me and he just said “he looks fine, everything is fine.” I guess from the time I had called my mom to the time I showed up his vitals had come back to normal and they had stabilized him. But before that, things were sketchy. He got a room that night, and my dad stayed with him the entire 5 days he stayed at the hospital. We found out he had severe crohn’s and that his bacteria level was stupid high. Like if a normal persons levels are at a 10, he was at 140. If that makes any sense. they didn’t know how long he would be there for, and to be honest, I don’t remember much else about that week. Just that he had a lot of IV’s and pain meds, and other meds, and prednisone, and no fibre. I remember his doctor came in on day 4 and said “you’re out of the woods now.” I guess I didn’t fully understand that he had actually “been in the woods.” He was discharged with a nice cocktail of meds and strict dietary instructions. He came home Christmas day.
A few months passed, he was still getting bad pains, but it was kinda all part of the package. We knew until they found the drug that put his crohn’s into remission, he would be having flare ups. It was April, and my parents went to Ontario to visit my grandma, and of course thats when he gets another flare up. So I take him to the grey nuns again, we’re there for hours, he gets a CT scan and gets sent home with T-3’s. They tell him they think his crohn’s is acting up and to make an appointment with his GI doctor. So he does. And I go with him. I remember his GI doctor going over the CT scan results and he says they found this mass. Like a ball of something. He thinks it’s this thing (I don’t remember the term), but its basically poop accumulated into a ball, that if it ruptures your stomach lining, its very dangerous. So that freaks me out, and my knees start to shake. The doctor smiles and just says to my brother “I can see your sister is starting to freak out.” Ha! Gee, thanks dude. He sends us home and says he’s going to send the results to another doctor just to make sure everything is OK. He’ll follow up. We call my parents in the way home cuz my mom is anxious to know the results too. I tell her everything is fine, just that this mass can potentially become dangerous, but right now he’s ok, and we wait. Fast forward to June. I was making pies with my friend and we were being complete idiots that day. Having pie making competitions to see who’s was nicer, dancing around the kitchen, and just being total knobs. I knew he had the results of the other doctor given to him that day, so I texted him to ask. He said “nothing, just a mass that they’re not really sure, its not bad though. It’s just there.” I remember even asking and saying these exact words “but its not cancer right?” “No, nothing like that.” They just referred him to ANOTHER doctor to see if it needed to be removed or not. OK. I can breathe again and go back to my really awesome dance skills and pie making.
It was July. I was home all by myself. It was a sunny day. It was a normal day. I think I was even watching a movie because I didn’t hear my phone ring. I finally checked it and saw I had a missed call from my mom and a voicemail. Have you ever gotten a voicemail and you JUST KNOW? Like you know something is wrong. My mom’s voice was off and the way she said “Claudia, please call me as soon as you get this” makes my skin go cold even as I type this. I called back. I call the house number and my brother answers. His voice is heavy, and I wanna puke again. I ask to talk to mom, she comes on the line. “Have you talked to Gabriel?” “No, what’s going on?” I hear her walk upstairs and shut the door. “Umm… maybe you should come over.” “Mom, tell me what they said, tell me now.” And here it is guys….. the words that changed our lives. “Well…. you know how they said it wasn’t cancer?” Her voice cracks, and I know what she’s about to say next. “Well, it is. It’s cancer.” In movies, this is the part the where they make the room go blurry and the actor’s eyes roll back or something dramatic. Or in a book, the chapter ends and the reader gasps. In real life, you just stay on the phone not saying anything. I distinctively remember saying “OK” after a few seconds though. That’a all I could really say at that point. I hang up and run to the bathroom, and I throw up. I’m so effing mad, I’m terrified, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m physically sick. Your friends uncle that she doesn’t really see or talk to has cancer. Or the lady that works with your mom, her sister has cancer. Or some person that some other person you kinda know has cancer. But not your little brother. Not your twenty-two year old brother, no. Not him, No. No. NO. I drive from my house to my parents. It’s the longest 23 minute drive of my life. I call Dane about 26 times and he doesn’t answer. I call his friend that’s helping him out for the summer, hoping he’s near Dane so I can talk to him. No answer. I’m mad at Dane now. I’m mad at the highway, I’m mad at the fricking sun that is warm and making people think it’s a “beautiful” day out. Screw them, screw the sun, screw Dane for not answering my phone. He calls me back right as I’m entering sherwood park. “My brother has cancer” I blurt out. And I cry. I fricking cry you guys. Dane says he’ll come home in a bit. I’m angry at him, for no reason. I get to my parents house and I wanna run away. I don’t wanna open the door, I don’t wanna talk about it, I don’t wanna see my brother’s big brown eyes with lashes longer than mine. I don’t wanna be here. He’s sitting at the kitchen island, of all things, eating. He eats a lot. He doesn’t look up at me, he doesn’t say hi, it’s like if I didn’t just walk in. My dad smiles at me gently. My mom is in their room, probably laying down because she’s exhausted and drained. Now what? What the hell do I say? I don’t remember the rest of that day. And that’s the truth. I don’t remember if we talked about it, I don’t remember how late I stayed, I don’t remember if my brother even said anything. Looking back now, I really, truly believe I somehow forced my brain to block everything out. Because even as I type this, I am trying to remember that day, and I’m coming up empty. Which is ironic, because that’s how I felt. I felt empty.
We find out in the following weeks that they want to remove it. But that will leave him with a life changing result to his body, based on the location of the tumour. We’re devastated. We all cry. He cries, I cry, my parents cry. They decide to put him on chemo, even though they don’t believe it will shrink it enough to remove safely without damaging surrounding tissue and organs. SO he goes on chemo. CHEMO. And he’s twenty-two. He’s on it for almost a year I think. He has oncologist appointments at the cross cancer institute. I go with him once, because he needs to get his blood taken every month. I sat in the waiting room, looking at all these older people, and I hate them. It’s not fair. He’s the youngest one in the room. They call his name, and I walk aimlessly through the halls and look at all these rainbow paintings that people have painted as a form of therapy. I think that they’re really ugly and my brother would have a done a way better job. I start to cry because I realize how angry I am. I cry in the hallway staring at some ugly rainbow picture. I texted Dane and I said “I refuse to give up on my brother. I will never give up on him.” That’s what I wrote. Something clicked I guess, staring at the rainbow at the cross cancer institute with mascara tears running down my ugly face. I decided we would get through this. He started to see a naturopath doctor later that year. Vitamin C infusions weekly. He was taking every kind of herbal medicine, basically grass clipping and unicorn farts. I 100% believe in naturopaths. I do. I’m just being silly because I don’t actually know the names of all the supplements he was taking. Life almost felt normal, until you remembered the “C” word. It was a heavy year.
2015- His oncologist tells us that the tumour has shrunk, the tiniest amount. Not enough to make a difference. He still needs the surgery that will change his life. Early September, I find out that they have made him the appointment to have it removed for October 1st, 2015. How dare they. I’m back to being angry again. I keep wondering when he’s gonna call to cancel it. Two weeks before October, I go into his room and beg him to cancel. He doesn’t say anything. He just goes quiet. I cry. He finally says something that will stay with me forever. He says “For the first time in two and half years, I’m making a decision. It’s finally a black and white answer. I have surgery, tumour is gone, I don’t have surgery and keep hoping vitamin c works, I still run the risk of it spreading and then what?” He’s mad, and I can tell. I say OK, leave his room with my tail between my legs.
October 1st, 2015. Its 6:30 a.m. He knocks on my door to say goodbye, he has to be at the grey nuns hospital at 7:00 a.m. I tell him I’m coming to the hospital too, I’ll be there at 8:00. He hugs me anyways. They all leave and I’m left alone at my parents house. I get ready, my friend Afton is taking me. I throw up. I don’t think I can drive. She picks me up and we both don’t say much. She cares about my brother too, and I know she’s terrified as well. He’s in a waiting room when we get there, with a hospital gown and blue slippers on. There’s a TV with the breakfast television channel on. I want to scream at the the hosts and say no one cares it’s almost halloween!!! Nobody cares it’s gonna be a “chilly”day. Afton and me are blabbing about something, pretending it’s just a normal morning. My mom is pretending to be interested in what we’re saying, my dad is quiet, my aunt and uncle are just siting there, unsure of what to say. And my brother? Not one single word. He’s the staring at out the window. We fake it for about an hour. Then the nurse comes in and calls his name. She says they’re ready for him. My mom and dad can go with him down to the surgical ward, but we have to stay up on this floor. He stands up and hugs my uncle, he hugs my aunt, he hugs Afton. Then it’s my turn. I get dizzy, he gives me the best hug he’s ever given me. It’s a real hug. He holds on to me and we both cry. I can’t stop sobbing and he’s the one that looks at me and says ‘it’s gonna be OK.” I kiss his forehead, both his cheeks and I keep saying “I love you. I love you” over and over. He has to go now. And there he goes, his back is turned to me now. My little brother, my hero, the old soul, the quite one everyone says “is the nicest guy ever,” the soccer player, the sarcastic little turd, the best brother in the world, there he goes with blue disposable slippers on his feet, hospital gown on, down to the surgical ward to have his tumour removed. When I can’t see him anymore I can’t breathe. I full on have a panic attack. I go to the window and all I can think of is jumping out. Not because I wanna die, but because I need air. I need air. I need air now. I can’t breathe, Afton is freaking out. A nurse has to come in and ask if I need medical attention. I must of looked like a loony bin. I leave the room and walk down to the elevators. Afton and me stand there waiting for my parents to come back up. I have his sweater with me and I keep sniffing it. It smells like him. They’re gone for a good 45 minutes. They finally come up and say they’re prepping him. Prepping him? All I can think of is how terrified he must be. How do you prep someone for this kind of surgery? Is he cold? Is he scared? What’s he thinking?
It’s supposed to be a 4 hour surgery. At 4 hours, 30 minutes I get anxious. At 5 hours, I get even more anxious. at 5 hours, 30 minutes I’m silently freaking out in my head. My mom goes to see if she can find anything out. They say he’s still in surgery. At 6 hours, his two surgeons come into the waiting room we’ve been in for the entire 6 hours. They literally just finished. One of surgeons still had his face mask on with his little cap. They’re both in their scrubs. I swear they take forever to say the patient is still alive for kicks, cuz that was the longest pause of my life. Afton even grabbed my hand and squeezed it because she even felt it took too long for them to say anything. “The surgery went good. Took longer than expected, but we’re fairly confident we got all of the tumour.” I don’t know if I can explain what I felt, but I felt like I could breathe for the first time in 6 hours. Or like 3 years. They obviously said a lot more, went into detail, my parents had questions, blah blah blah. I just wanted to see my baby brother. He took another hour and half to wake up from his anesthesia. Go figure. He’s not a morning person. Every hospital bed that got wheeled by, we would all jump up to see if it was him. It wasn’t. Finally, I hear my mom say “That’s him.” We all run to the hall and he’s barely awake, he’s hooked up to oxygen with IV’s and tubes and whatever else. He sees us, lifts his hand up and waves. And he make a silly face at us. (Excuse me, I’m bawling right now as I write this). The transporter tells us he has requested to just see my parents first, and then the rest of us can slowly come in.
The rest is kind of a blur. He’s in A LOT of pain the next few days. Walking is excruciating. On October 5th, day 5 of being in the hospital, we’ve left at 9:00 p.m when visiting hours end. We get home. We’re in out PJ’s now, it’s 10:30 p.m, we’re ready for bed cuz we’re going back to the hospital at 9:00 a.m the next morning, we get a call from him. My dad answers. “You need to come to the hospital right now.” Click. We know something is wrong. We jump back in the car and my dad finally speeds! We have to go through a different way because it’s after hours. The hallways are dark, everyone is sleeping, it’s an eery feeling. We get to his room. His lights are off, the only light is the moon shining through his window. He has a damp cloth over his eyes, and a nurse is holding his hand. His head is going back an forth, side to side, with these moans coming from him that I wish I could forget the sound of. He sees us, and this is what he says. All in Spanish, for whatever reason, I felt that was an important detail. Mostly because we barley ever speak in Spanish unless it’s to our grandma. “I’m sorry you guys, I love you guys, but I wanna die. Im gonna die. I need to die.” My mom can’t understand him and she asks me what he’s saying. I tell her. His nurse grabs his hand again and says “HEY! We talked about this. You need to be strong.” The moon hits his face and he’s a baby all over again. He has tears rolling down the sides of his face, his cheeks look chubby to me, and he’s the baby brother I wanted so badly for so long. “I can’t take this pain anymore, I want to die. I’m sorry, you’re the best parents I could have asked for, I love you Claudia, but I need to go now.” I don’t hate many people. Not even Donald Trump, and I’m basically Mexican. But even if I hated someone, never, ever, do I wish for them to hear those words coming from someone they love. Apparently, he had gas trapped all throughout his intestines. Which makes sense, he had just had major bowel surgery. Turns out, gas pain is the worst kind of pain to experience, and there is literally nothing doctors can do for it. They tell you to walk. He couldn’t even sit up on his own, let alone walk. That night, was the longest night of my life. We stayed the whole night, doing leg exercises, putting a cold cloth on his head, moving him side to side in hopes to get movement in his bowels. He finally felt some relief after a few hours of us being there, but we stayed the whole night. I fell asleep around 4:00 a.m in a chair, sitting upright. I would wake up every 20 minutes to see if he was still doing OK.
I could tell you guys so much more, but I doubt that most of you will get through this whole post anyways. Like I said, it’s kinda more for me to remember and somewhat therapeutic for me. He was there from October 1st to October 11th. The day he was discharged was the day I told my parents I was pregnant. It was a pretty good day. It’s been a looooooongggg recovery. He’s still in recovery, as he is still not completely healed. But i’ll end this novel in a good note. SO here it is:
April 9th of this year, my brother turned 24. On April 8th, he had his follow up with his oncologist, who had done and MRI on him the week before to check if the cancer was gone, if there was any tumour left, all the scary stuff. That whole week, so really, not too long ago, was again a stressful week for us. None of talked about the appointment. We just planned for his birthday the next day. I got to my parents and finally said “How did it go?” The MRI showed that his insides had healed perfectly, and while this whole time they thought he would have to go back on chemo for at least a year following his surgery, the MRI showed that that cancer was such a low grade for it reproducing or coming back, that they didn’t feel it was necessary. So they put him a “watch” program. where he goes every 6 months for an MRI for two years, and then once a year for 3 years. After 5 years, he can OFFICIALLY say he is cancer free. But as of right now, he has no cancer, only battle scars and a story that I know has shaped his life in a way we never thought possible.
Gabriel Exavi Campos. That’s my brother’s name. That’s the name of the person who has become someone I admire, someone who I have the upmost respect for, the person who has taught me strength, bravery and courage. He’s the most calm, cool and collected person I’ve ever met. He very rarely gets angry, he has a quiet strength about him. I am not lying to any of you, or writing this just to make him look better…. but my brother, since this has all started 3 years ago, not ONCE, I promise each of you, not ONCE has ever complained or asked for pity, or even sympathy. I’m privileged and honoured to be his sister. And I love him, more than I actually knew.
If you read all of this… WOW. Thank you. I just high fived you. Now I have to go blow my nose and redo my mascara, cuz this took a lot out of me. Tears and snot and all that fun stuff. I look gorgeous by the way.
Fuerza Exavi, forca My dad had shirts made while he was still in the hospital, and they all played game in my brothers name. His reaction to this picture will forever be in my memory. Strength Exavi, strength.
Some of the pictures he’s drawn. No big deal. This post is for my brother. These words are for him. Fuerza little brother, força.
“If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.”
Perfect weekend pancakes. Fluffy and thick, moist with the perfect hint of citrus.
Author: Two peas and their pod
Recipe type: Breakfast
1¼ cups all purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
3 TBLS sugar
zest of 1 orange
1 cup ricotta cheese
1 large egg
2 large egg whites
½ fresh orange juice
1 TBLS melted butter
1 tsp vanilla
½ cup chocolate chips
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together your flour, baking powder and baking soda, and salt.
In a separate bowl, mix your sugar and orange zest, rubbing your fingers together to incorporate the oil for the orange zest into the sugar. Add this to your flour mixture, mix well, and set aside.
In a medium bowl, mix together the ricotta cheese, egg, egg whites, orange juice, melted butter, and vanilla.
Fold your wet mixture into your dry mixture, until you can't see the flour. Careful not to over mix.
Add your chocolate chips.
Heat your pan or griddle over medium low/medium heat and brush with butter.
Spoon about ⅓ cup of batter and spread around with a wooden spoon to shape your pancake. Your batter will be thick.
Cook until golden brown and then flip to other side, doing the same.
Enjoy with butter and maple syrup!
So I discovered Pinterest 4 years ago. I got it when it only had like 10 categories and you couldn’t search anything yet. We’ve come a long way. Wanna freak your girlfriend out? Say “Hey, did you hear that Pinterest is getting shut down?” And then watch her eyes go huge and say “WHAT?!” My brothers friends did that to me last year, and that was my exact reaction. Little turd.
Anyways, I remember pinning the most random things. It’s embarrassing to look back on some of the things you pinned back when you first started this “pinning journey.” It’s like looking back on your yearbook and regretting some fashion and hair choices. I would pin anything and everything. And all under the same board, haha! Needless to say, I’ve cleaned up my act, and my Pinterest boards since then:)
I’ve made quite a few things off Pinterest. Some have been pretty epic fails (lighting a dandelion on fire cuz Pinterest said it would turn multicoloured- LIES. It burns). Some have been pretty epic wins (these ricotta pancakes). Some have been…. questionable (setting a starburst on fire over a campfire cuz Pinterest said it would taste amazing…. it tastes like….. a hot starburst. That’s it). I’m not lying about trying any of these things either. I legit tried those things. I’m that cool person that does stuff like that. Point of my ramble is that since Pinterest came on the scene, people are actually trying things now! Which is awesome. I got this recipe off of Pinterest, which took me to twopeasandtheirpod blog. Yum, Yum.
Dane for whatever reason hates citrus in desserts or in his food. He doesn’t put lemon on his fish and chips. What the heck?! He doesn’t like lemon or orange much of anything. He says lemons are only for lemonade, which he drinks like it’s going out of style. He did however say “I actually liked these Claud!” Which is a compliment, especially from one of the hardest food critics around. You’d think he has a michelin star restaurant I don’t know about or something. I was making a banana cream pie on Sunday and I was piping the whip cream on, and he had the nerve to tell ME how to to pipe whip cream. Like ugh! I think I know how to flipping pipe whip cream…. brat. (Turns out his way was actually better. Little bum, he somehow always knows better than me *insert eye roll*). Let’s hope he doesn’t read my blog like a good husband should. This will be his test. If he brags that I’m admitting he knows better than me, then we’ll know he reads my blog:) Poor Dane, he’s dealing with a woman. Good luck dude, you’ve got me and now a baby girl on the way. You’re outnumbered. Love you.
GUYS!! Make these pancakes! They’re super easy and super tasty. Michelin star buddy over here even approves. Also, tell me what your Pinterest fails have been, so I don’t feel like such a silly brain.
Went to Jasper to get some maternity pictures taken. Nothing fancy, just Dane and me and his photo taking skills. He’s the coolest dude in town and is always down for my crazy photo shoots I make him do. I figure it makes up for the countless hours he spends on kijiji looking at motorcycles, dirt bikes, quads, and even snowmobiles. There was even a few weeks where he was obsessed with looking at puppies. Like as if I wouldn’t notice a puppy. Oh Dane, you’re a gem. I’m truly grateful for your support and the fact that you aren’t afraid to tell my to stick my chin out further so I don’t look like a gremlin with a double chin…. which is getting harder and harder to do these days. You’re my best friend and the best guy to put up with my firecracker personality. Thanks for this lovely day in Jasper, despite me thinking I was going into labour. You handled it quite well… despite going white in the face and clammy hands and asking if I was OK every 5 minutes. Basically, Jasper might be one of my favourite places in the world, and it’s even better when you’re with your favourite person.